Tuesday 30th January 2018 - Direction

The intent of this blog was to write about what I know about.

Since what I know most about is me, I had thought that it might become a diary or some kind of living biography. I'd probably pass comment on the weather & the day's propaganda feeds as well as my daily routine.

However, it seems to be going off at a tangent at present. My renewed enthusiasm for writing, as a distraction, has turned it into something of a scrapbook of randomness recently. Writing for the sake of writing? Yes. Why not? Site hits for my 'Inspiration' related musings are exponentially greater than those relating to my trials and tribulations. I guess we've all got our own issues, without burdening ourselves with those of strangers.

So, this blog needs to find some sense of direction and I'm unsure what that should be for now. As I remain unclear as to where I go personally in life. If I was merely undecided on these matters it would be a simple question of choice. Life's too bloody complicated!

Anyway, a bit of diary just for the record.

I've been prescribed Zopiclone & Sertraline. Three days in and the Zopiclone is working like a charm - wide awake at 03:45 this morning!!

It's not all negative, though. In many ways 3 to 4 a.m. is the day's happy hour. With such little human activity at this time, the peace and quiet has a meditative quality that provides space for uninterrupted thought. I enjoy writing at this hour, which is just as well since most other activity risks disturbing the rest of the household.

A timely, generous and selfless act from a close relative at the weekend has lifted the severe financial pressure on us. I sincerely hope the immense gratitude is apparent to them and that I prove worthy of the 'investment'.

Desperately tired and restless now. A combination of stress, insomnia, last week's event and the new drug regime I suppose. Not to mention all the personal attention being lavished, which I'm unaccustomed to! A couple of good nights sleep would be more than welcome and I'm pretty sure increase my positivity no end.

As always, any comment is appreciated. Particularly if you have any sense of the direction this blog or my life should be taking!

Monday 29th January - Character Study

Here's a character who's dying for a past and future to be written.

Scarface

Scarface bears the signs of a life lived.

Scar tissue runs like string from the corner of his right eye, at first horizontally across the eye socket, before tracing vertically down to mid-cheek and fading in to the 2 day stubble rising to meet it. It's neither ugly or intimidating.

Close observation reveals a small ear tear. Further evidence of battles fought. Maybe won, maybe lost; but survived. His wounds are all physical. There are no outward signs of mental fatigue. An upright, lightly muscled frame carries him around.

Sharp blue eyes busily survey his surroundings until they fix briefly on anything that requires greater attention.

His tousled, mid-grey hair is cut and washed but unbrushed. Brown suede shoes, Levis and an untucked thick, checked shirt complete the look. No jewellery. No body art. Practicality is more important than preening. You take him as you find him because he's a man unto himself.

Passive income comes from a couple of properties and various sleeping partnership arrangements. Floating income is supplied by deal-making. He buys and sells whatever he can turn a profit on. For pleasure as much as financial gain.

Well-known, liked and sociable he travels through life busily and purposefully without nurturing close friendships, perhaps hinting at a past of broken relationships. Confident, without a hint of arrogance his good nature appeases men and appeals to women.

Comment and criticism welcome. Thanks for dropping by.

Sunday 28th January 2018 - Make Strangers A Source Of Inspiration

On Sunday 14th January, I posted a piece entitled Struggling for Inspiration.

https://thereluctantdiarist.blogspot.co.uk/2018/01/sunday-14th-january-2018-struggling-for.html

One of the options I put forward was to "Make strangers a source of inspiration".

Here's an example. She's not an interesting character but if you were to rock her world, all kinds of possibilities could be imagined.

The Bobette

The Bobette is characterised by shoulder length, cut too thick hair and tinted but only to preserve neutrality and cover any early grey strands - no reds, blues or greens for this girl.

Safe, comfortable, middle class, boring without realising it & married to Mr Dependable who leaves the house at 8 a.m.every morning and walks back through the door at 6 p.m. prompt. Typically aged 30-50, though sometimes the condition's onset is earlier, she's advertising that Mr Right has been found and the only flattery or attention she desires now is from her female friends.

She may keep a house cat but is wary of dogs - she heard some could be dangerous. The small car that ferries her around probably has a given name, rigidly obeys speed limits & all other road signage & is checked over by Mr Bobette every weekend at her behest. Naturally risk averse she 's never made a bungee jump, pillioned on a motorcycle, smoked, drunk more than 2 glasses of wine, visited a tropical country or driven without fastening her seatbelt.

She dresses neatly for comfort - trouser suits, knee-length skirts, blouses (not too clingy) and twinsets. She doesn't own a pair of jeans but has a cupboard full of low heeled, scuff-free shoes.

Her home is clean, neat & sparsely decorated. The lounge is functional with a plain wool mix carpet & seating pushed back against the walls.A nest of tables sits in a corner of the room and if there is sufficient space to allow the room to remain uncluttered, a coffee table beset with the obligatory cookery books, coasters & a small vase of dried flowers will rest on a neutral rug in the centre. The table will be just beyond arms reach of the sofa sitters but form prevails over functionality here. On the longest wall a tasteful, conventional, posed, professionally-taken A3 photograph of her nuclear family takes prominence. A smear-free glass fronted display cabinet houses more silver-framed family portraits - none of them show the subjects engaged in activity, just dutifully staring into the camera lens with their vacant smiles and safe haircuts.

The kitchen is rebuilt every few years with a contemporary but not bold design. Full sets of cutlery and crockery are neatly stored - loss or breakage demands replacement and a trip to the charity shop with the perfectly serviceable old sets.

The fitted bedroom is feminine, pastel and floral with functional, formal lighting and no allusion to a temptress's boudoir. Bathrooms are polished and fragranced with neatly arranged toiletries & a small bottle of after shave the only indication of a male presence.

When the kids are collected from school - which, of course, they must be given all the dangers of suburban life - she stands with the other Bobettes & talks proudly of Mr Bobette's promotion to deputy bean counter in accounts receivable and the fish pie that she's prepared for dinner.

The rest of her days are filled with cleaning, tidying, shopping, a flower arranging course and weight watchers.

And such will be her life. So long as the basic security & comfort she feels isn't rocked, her limited imagination & intelligence will permit a definite contentment with banality and good luck to her. It's not a life that most would choose but the malcontents amongst us might just hide a tiny bit of envy for an unremarkable, uncomplicated existence.

Please feel free to leave comments.

Thursday 25th January - Why?

Yesterday was a rather hazy recovery day. Apart from slight disequilibrium I experienced no nausea or other ill-effects. Presumably, I passed out before enough alcohol could be consumed.

Had a visit from my mother and a 'phone call from my daughter & a very pleasing text from my son.

They've hidden all the drugs in the house from me; even the migraine relief ones so quite how that is doing me a favour I'm at a loss to understand.

Feeling very down now that the effects have all worn off - helpless, impotent, lonely. Nothing has changed so another attempt will be made imminently, though the method is yet to be finalised.

Why carry on!?

Wednesday 24th January 2018 - This dog won't die!

Well, reader. As you can see yesterday didn't go according to plan. Else, there would be no entry today. My 'no resuscitation' instructions were ignored and i was whisked off in an ambulance to A&E.

At what point in the exercise the last blog post appeared I am unclear. I do recall having considerable trouble hitting the fight keyboard key despite trying to concentrate intensely. Somehow I must have thought it readable enough to post despite having been written in some form of hieroglyphics. I have chosen not to remove it as it tells it's own story.

Tired, deflated & dazed today so nothing more to add, except to mention a visit from social services and a first meal in 24 hours,

Perhaps we'll met again tomorrow.

TUEESD 22ND JNUARY 33

Still hearing but awakr, More akcohol rteqyred

Feej free ti -=o kann[[jw  FD-DUBN--Ntui-
Ni cgagre

Tuesday 23rd January 2018 - The Story Ends

So, my story ends a little sooner than I had predicted.

Letters are written, the office is tidy and the process has begun.

I will endeavour to send final messages to family before I lose consciousness completely.

Thank you to anyone who cared to read this blog & responded positively to my twitter postings.

I wish you all to lead full and happy lives.

Plesre take tthe ume to leacr o vonr commrnt or dontion :)
























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Goodbye and good luck.