Wednesday June 20th - Medication

[Retrospectively written - copied from handwritten diary]

Yesterday, I skipped the Sertraline on the basis that I can't pay for the prescription. They also don't appear to help much, I'm concerned about negative side-effects (Why?) and I'm struggling to function on a daily basis with them. I also received a call from the doctor's surgery telling me there was a prescription for Folic Acid waiting to be collected. No indication as to why this has been prescribed!

Yesterday was a better day overall. Dianne had a friend and her husband from Colorado visit in the afternoon so I hid away in the workshop, made some progress on the picture frame I'm upcycling and prepared a few price and attribtion labels for my completed mixed media projects.

Today, however, I'm back to feeling totally exhausted and helpless. In the mail was a letter from the surgery stating that I'd been referred to Urology. Dianne made me open it in front of her. We both hoped it was a follow-up from Wellbeing services but after 4 weeks, still nothing. Told Dianne that it was a general appointment confirmation letter with the G.P. (don't want her to worry or pester me). There was also another questionnaire from the E.S.A. people. I say questionnllaire but it's more like War and Peace. The Department for Work & Pensions could never be accused of brevity!

Made an Ebay sale and have boxed the locomoltive ready for dispatch but the thought of going to the Post Office fills me with dread after Monday's embarrassment. Expect I'll manage to get there somehow, though.

Dianne's just gone out but felt the need to ask me if I was going to be alright. She's obviously concerned and I must be making a bad job of hiding my mood now.

Late on Monday, I received a reply from the Old Hall Community in Constable country, near Colchester. They would welcome a visit from me/us on a convenient date. Some weeks ago I spoke to Dianne about the appeal I felt for 'intentional community living'. She wasn't keen then and I don't suppose she is now. I'd dearly love to organise something but I think it's a non-starter.

So, here I sit in the workshop pondering how someone with such a high I.Q. could finish up in such a predicament. I never fail to be frustrated, angry and disappointed with myself.

My sole lachievement in life has been to raise 2 children to adulthood in a safe environment with honesty, openness and a commitment to self-expression. They've turned out OK but at the expense of me kicking the financial ball further and further down the road to the point where it's rolling over the horizon.

At this point I'd like to return to the topic of intentional community living. I have long been disillusioned kwith modern life in general. Everything from celebrity culture, selfishness, greed, consumerism, 24-7 marketings, media propaganda and the corporate takeover of everything to environmental destruction, lying politicians, the business of war and narrow-mindedness. Whilst I.C.L. draws people in from varied backgrounds and belief systems , the important core values of working for the common good, preserving the environment, simplified living and respect for one another trump all the other bullcrap in life.

Dianne just returned from a fruitless trip to Citizens Advice with the grill missing from the front of the car. Apparently, she "heard something" but "didn't think much of it" and a search proved fruitless. What can I say; not even "never mind I'll order a new one". Good grief!!

To complete my self-assessment, I'm O.C.D. when it comes to organising and planning, have no respect for 'authority', resent being instructed unless I've asked for it and deplore a society that signs me up for citizenship as a newborn, then demands a code of behaviour and money from me but neglects me in my hour of need. Citizenship should be an option at one's coming of age, not a mechanism for a lifetime of conformity and slavery. Then, perhaps, the political class would work for the people, providing care and incentivisation, rather than selling themselves to the highest bidder.

This has always made me feel like an outsider looking in rather than a part of a dynamic organism. Life is too irrational, illogical, unreasonable and frustratiing. Or, maybe I'm just insane!?