Tuesday 30th January 2018 - Direction

The intent of this blog was to write about what I know about.

Since what I know most about is me, I had thought that it might become a diary or some kind of living biography. I'd probably pass comment on the weather & the day's propaganda feeds as well as my daily routine.

However, it seems to be going off at a tangent at present. My renewed enthusiasm for writing, as a distraction, has turned it into something of a scrapbook of randomness recently. Writing for the sake of writing? Yes. Why not? Site hits for my 'Inspiration' related musings are exponentially greater than those relating to my trials and tribulations. I guess we've all got our own issues, without burdening ourselves with those of strangers.

So, this blog needs to find some sense of direction and I'm unsure what that should be for now. As I remain unclear as to where I go personally in life. If I was merely undecided on these matters it would be a simple question of choice. Life's too bloody complicated!

Anyway, a bit of diary just for the record.

I've been prescribed Zopiclone & Sertraline. Three days in and the Zopiclone is working like a charm - wide awake at 03:45 this morning!!

It's not all negative, though. In many ways 3 to 4 a.m. is the day's happy hour. With such little human activity at this time, the peace and quiet has a meditative quality that provides space for uninterrupted thought. I enjoy writing at this hour, which is just as well since most other activity risks disturbing the rest of the household.

A timely, generous and selfless act from a close relative at the weekend has lifted the severe financial pressure on us. I sincerely hope the immense gratitude is apparent to them and that I prove worthy of the 'investment'.

Desperately tired and restless now. A combination of stress, insomnia, last week's event and the new drug regime I suppose. Not to mention all the personal attention being lavished, which I'm unaccustomed to! A couple of good nights sleep would be more than welcome and I'm pretty sure increase my positivity no end.

As always, any comment is appreciated. Particularly if you have any sense of the direction this blog or my life should be taking!

Monday 29th January - Character Study

Here's a character who's dying for a past and future to be written.

Scarface

Scarface bears the signs of a life lived.

Scar tissue runs like string from the corner of his right eye, at first horizontally across the eye socket, before tracing vertically down to mid-cheek and fading in to the 2 day stubble rising to meet it. It's neither ugly or intimidating.

Close observation reveals a small ear tear. Further evidence of battles fought. Maybe won, maybe lost; but survived. His wounds are all physical. There are no outward signs of mental fatigue. An upright, lightly muscled frame carries him around.

Sharp blue eyes busily survey his surroundings until they fix briefly on anything that requires greater attention.

His tousled, mid-grey hair is cut and washed but unbrushed. Brown suede shoes, Levis and an untucked thick, checked shirt complete the look. No jewellery. No body art. Practicality is more important than preening. You take him as you find him because he's a man unto himself.

Passive income comes from a couple of properties and various sleeping partnership arrangements. Floating income is supplied by deal-making. He buys and sells whatever he can turn a profit on. For pleasure as much as financial gain.

Well-known, liked and sociable he travels through life busily and purposefully without nurturing close friendships, perhaps hinting at a past of broken relationships. Confident, without a hint of arrogance his good nature appeases men and appeals to women.

Comment and criticism welcome. Thanks for dropping by.

Sunday 28th January 2018 - Make Strangers A Source Of Inspiration

On Sunday 14th January, I posted a piece entitled Struggling for Inspiration.

https://thereluctantdiarist.blogspot.co.uk/2018/01/sunday-14th-january-2018-struggling-for.html

One of the options I put forward was to "Make strangers a source of inspiration".

Here's an example. She's not an interesting character but if you were to rock her world, all kinds of possibilities could be imagined.

The Bobette

The Bobette is characterised by shoulder length, cut too thick hair and tinted but only to preserve neutrality and cover any early grey strands - no reds, blues or greens for this girl.

Safe, comfortable, middle class, boring without realising it & married to Mr Dependable who leaves the house at 8 a.m.every morning and walks back through the door at 6 p.m. prompt. Typically aged 30-50, though sometimes the condition's onset is earlier, she's advertising that Mr Right has been found and the only flattery or attention she desires now is from her female friends.

She may keep a house cat but is wary of dogs - she heard some could be dangerous. The small car that ferries her around probably has a given name, rigidly obeys speed limits & all other road signage & is checked over by Mr Bobette every weekend at her behest. Naturally risk averse she 's never made a bungee jump, pillioned on a motorcycle, smoked, drunk more than 2 glasses of wine, visited a tropical country or driven without fastening her seatbelt.

She dresses neatly for comfort - trouser suits, knee-length skirts, blouses (not too clingy) and twinsets. She doesn't own a pair of jeans but has a cupboard full of low heeled, scuff-free shoes.

Her home is clean, neat & sparsely decorated. The lounge is functional with a plain wool mix carpet & seating pushed back against the walls.A nest of tables sits in a corner of the room and if there is sufficient space to allow the room to remain uncluttered, a coffee table beset with the obligatory cookery books, coasters & a small vase of dried flowers will rest on a neutral rug in the centre. The table will be just beyond arms reach of the sofa sitters but form prevails over functionality here. On the longest wall a tasteful, conventional, posed, professionally-taken A3 photograph of her nuclear family takes prominence. A smear-free glass fronted display cabinet houses more silver-framed family portraits - none of them show the subjects engaged in activity, just dutifully staring into the camera lens with their vacant smiles and safe haircuts.

The kitchen is rebuilt every few years with a contemporary but not bold design. Full sets of cutlery and crockery are neatly stored - loss or breakage demands replacement and a trip to the charity shop with the perfectly serviceable old sets.

The fitted bedroom is feminine, pastel and floral with functional, formal lighting and no allusion to a temptress's boudoir. Bathrooms are polished and fragranced with neatly arranged toiletries & a small bottle of after shave the only indication of a male presence.

When the kids are collected from school - which, of course, they must be given all the dangers of suburban life - she stands with the other Bobettes & talks proudly of Mr Bobette's promotion to deputy bean counter in accounts receivable and the fish pie that she's prepared for dinner.

The rest of her days are filled with cleaning, tidying, shopping, a flower arranging course and weight watchers.

And such will be her life. So long as the basic security & comfort she feels isn't rocked, her limited imagination & intelligence will permit a definite contentment with banality and good luck to her. It's not a life that most would choose but the malcontents amongst us might just hide a tiny bit of envy for an unremarkable, uncomplicated existence.

Please feel free to leave comments.

Thursday 25th January - Why?

Yesterday was a rather hazy recovery day. Apart from slight disequilibrium I experienced no nausea or other ill-effects. Presumably, I passed out before enough alcohol could be consumed.

Had a visit from my mother and a 'phone call from my daughter & a very pleasing text from my son.

They've hidden all the drugs in the house from me; even the migraine relief ones so quite how that is doing me a favour I'm at a loss to understand.

Feeling very down now that the effects have all worn off - helpless, impotent, lonely. Nothing has changed so another attempt will be made imminently, though the method is yet to be finalised.

Why carry on!?

Wednesday 24th January 2018 - This dog won't die!

Well, reader. As you can see yesterday didn't go according to plan. Else, there would be no entry today. My 'no resuscitation' instructions were ignored and i was whisked off in an ambulance to A&E.

At what point in the exercise the last blog post appeared I am unclear. I do recall having considerable trouble hitting the fight keyboard key despite trying to concentrate intensely. Somehow I must have thought it readable enough to post despite having been written in some form of hieroglyphics. I have chosen not to remove it as it tells it's own story.

Tired, deflated & dazed today so nothing more to add, except to mention a visit from social services and a first meal in 24 hours,

Perhaps we'll met again tomorrow.

TUEESD 22ND JNUARY 33

Still hearing but awakr, More akcohol rteqyred

Feej free ti -=o kann[[jw  FD-DUBN--Ntui-
Ni cgagre

Tuesday 23rd January 2018 - The Story Ends

So, my story ends a little sooner than I had predicted.

Letters are written, the office is tidy and the process has begun.

I will endeavour to send final messages to family before I lose consciousness completely.

Thank you to anyone who cared to read this blog & responded positively to my twitter postings.

I wish you all to lead full and happy lives.

Plesre take tthe ume to leacr o vonr commrnt or dontion :)
























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Goodbye and good luck.

Monday 22nd January 2018 - Still here

The letters from the bank have started to arrive, giving notice of declined payments. The trigger I had been expecting.

So, yesterday was to be the day. Last night in fact.

I had written some notes on the laptop, which was to be left open so that whoever discovered me in the morning would have a connection to the me that was a few hours earlier.

It begins, as it should do, with the following line:

"Please do not resuscitate - I am of sound mind and fully aware of the consequences of my actions."

There is a brief explanation of how I came to this point, directions as to where goodbye letters may be found on the pc, the funeral arrangements to be made (the service is written), who to contact about life and pensions, how a little money might be raised and a final goodbye.

However, I received a 'phone call in the morning from a relative who would like to visit this Saturday. I would like to see him and his partner one more time so I have resolved to try to make it to the weekend. It does seem a long way off, though.

To fill the days I will endeavour to do some work, engage on Twitter and keep home-life as normal as possible for my nearest and dearest. Having rediscovered my love of writing, the inability to continue with it will be my last great regret.

Things In Life That Irk Me

My word, this topic could fill a few books but I will start with a couple of minor rants & raise more in future posts.

The near universal use of 'try and' in verbal and written communication has always bothered me. To 'try' means to attempt to do something and thus implies more than one possible result , while the conjunction of 'and' suggests a certainty of outcome. That this should have become commonplace in the everyday vernacular almost permits me to excuse the populous at large. That Oxbridge educated TV fronts, newspaper hacks, politicians and professionals also use it denies them my pardon  It's 'try to', you morons! Stop doing it! It's bad english and makes no sense.

I happened to notice a commercial on the television today. This is unusual because if I happen to be within reach of a remote these are invariably muted and ignored, to the inexplicable chagrin of anyone else present. It is another gripe of mine that I pay both a TV licence fee and a monthly subscription to a 'content' provider for the dubious privilege of being sold crap I don't need.

But I digress. What appeared on the box was one of the most recognisable men on the planet. He isn't a great scientist, an inspirational leader (I believe these all but became extinct by the 1960s), a notorious criminal or even famous in the field of art. No, his name is David Gandy and he's a clothes horse. To my mind this is a sad indictment of the consumerist society we live in today. The absurdity of an individual commanding fame, fortune and reverence by dressing up ought to be evident to all. Then again, perhaps similarly trite distractions have been with us through the generations. That the history books don't record them doesn't mean they haven't existed. It merely points to the ephemeral nature of such things and the minimal long-term impact they have.

Comments are always welcome.

Tuesday 16th January 2018 - Surviving One Day At A Time

Here we are still.

'They' say that every day is a bonus but it doesn't feel like it. Constant worry, extreme exhaustion, loneliness & the inability to formulate a solution turn life into existence, not living. The end seems inevitable now - I'm just waiting for the trigger. I don't know where it will come from; a 'phone call, unwanted mail or a misplaced word but it's coming.

I agonise over the consequences.

A mentally ill wife, drugged up to the eyeballs, who "can't be bothered" or "doesn't feel like it" or "wishes" for or "wants" things but makes no effort or progress towards attaining them. Expecting them just to arrive, she numbs her intellect further with a diet of daytime TV, soaps & other nonsense, constantly informs me about every minor ailment that most of us would think nothing of, or unworthy of comment at least, and takes issue with every passing comment or minor event due to anxiety. All whilst grazing on junk food; the effects of which are now counteracted by the use of statins, rather than willpower or restraint. Traits and eccentricities that were once considered quirky, charming or quaint have become exaggerated over time, as seems to happen to us all as the years pass,I suppose. The daily ritual takes place without apparently noticing or considering others. The effect it has on my quality of life is akin to forced anonymity. At the same time, I feel the guilt and responsibility of someone who's shared so much of her life and who cannot reasonably be said to be blameless in the journey that brought us here.

In this situation, would my demise be the making or breaking of her. I try to convince myself that having to face up to life and responsibility may, after the initial shock phase, make her stronger in the long-term. The children will surely rally around with the support she will need in the beginning but that raises another issue. As young adults are they yet mature enough to accept and deal with this? Is it fair on them, anyway?

I spend every day treading on eggshells and with the spectre of debt collectors looming on the horizon. With nobody to turn to for support this really can't continue.

The recent return to reading and writing brings brief moments of solace but it's not enough.

To anyone reading this I apologise for the brevity, lack of structure & tone. And it feels like I'm abdicating responsibility which is disingenuous.  However, it's all I can manage today - maybe there'll be a 'bonus' day for elaboration and editing.

Sunday 14th January 2018 - Struggling for Inspiration?

#sixwords #sixwordstory #sixwordprompt

Struggling for inspiration? writer's bloc? Try a six word prompt to set off a chain of thought.

Some suggestions:

Capture philosophical thoughts before they evaporate

When your subconscious suddenly throws out a profound thought, grab it immediately. We've all had them, usually at times when the mind is left to wander - more often than not mine appear magically and without effort just before sleep. It's a chore to rise and record it at this time but well worth the effort. Maybe I won't use it straight away but I won't lose it. They are rarely retrievable when you wake despite that mental note you make to remember it.

Write the script that never was

Ever watched a movie or read a book & thought you knew where the story was going. You might have been surprised or disappointed with the direction it took. Why not rewrite it? If you thought it could have been executed better or differently, then surely so will others. It's not plagiarism - everything that has ever been said, written, discovered or made in human history has borrowed from one source or another.

Make strangers a source of inspiartion

Have you ever tried people watching? Most of us see but don't look as we go about our daily lives. Stop gawping at your mobile device. Next time you're sat in the car waiting to pick the kids up from school or for your partner to run an errand. Or you're sat in the park on your lunch break; or pausing at a beauty spot or on the promenade to take in the view, try looking beyond the physical landscape & start noticing the humans within it.

Find one that looks interesting to you. How are they dressed? Why are they there? What's their occupation? What are their physical characteristics? What's their life story? Do they remind you of anyone? What are their life views? Questions beget questions and soon you have a complete profile. Your creative juices have been stirred & maybe you have a new character for that book or at least a thought or two to commit to the page.

Correspondence & comments are very welcome, if you have the time. Thank you for reading.

Saturday 13th January 2018 - Who Am I? Part 2

Not really a follow-on per se as the previous post went off on a bit of a tangent but what moves, motivates or otherwise informs my self. A list with a social and moral compass summary at the end. There will be plenty missed but who keeps a record? Besides, brevity must prevail over completeness here, lest it becomes too much to digest.....

Passions & Interests :

Art
Photography
Social & Economic History
Politics
Humanities generally - wish I could really 'get' the sciences
Reading
Writing
Cricket, Grand Tour Cycling, International Rugby Union (all passive)
Skiing
Movies
Music

Movies:

Lost In Translation
Lord of the Rings
Matrix
Love Actually
Citizen Kane
Casablanca
African Queen
Animal House
Blues Brothers
Pulp Fiction
Lock, Stock...
RocknRolla

Writers:

Woolf
Orwell
Tom Sharpe
Clive James
Coleridge
Shakespeare
Dylan Thomas
Tolkien

Music:

Classical - favs are Mozart, Beethoven & Grieg
Blues
Rock/Metal
Techno

Skills :

Research
Systems Analysis & Design
Information Gathering
Logistics
Proof reading
Report Writing
Photography
Used to program

High I.Q., inquisitive, free thinking, free speech advocate, socially awkward, unfocused, put comedy over drama, peace over confrontation, love over hate, quality of life over standard of living, pissed off with the state of the world- consumerism, environmental destruction, inhumanity, selfishness, bad manners, celebrity culture, stupid political & religious ideologies? Then, you're a kindred spirit.

Would love to discuss any or all of the above - please get in touch.

Saturday 13th January 2018 - Who Am I?

Who Am I?

I'm the sum of all my actions & experiences. As are you. That's a given. Or, is it?

At this point, I have cause to pause for thought. My propensity to O.C.D. would require that two lists are now written, as comprehensive as possible in their scope, to support this statement.

However, since every action creates a reaction, then in our personal worlds this can be said to be an experience. Ergo, we are all simply sums of our individual experiences.

Since we are only in control of the inputs to self to some degree, our character formation is largely beyond our control.

At birth we arrive in the world pre-programmed to accept input from those around us and we must take this at face value since we are unknowing and helpless at this point. Our brains are chiefly concerned with physical functionality but at their most receptive to suggestion. So, we learn quickly from those in our immediate environment. First come the basic social interaction & motor skills such as facial expression & body language in order to start communicating in our world, then walking and taking and so on.

In order to thrive in this world we go on to adopt it's social conventions & belief systems. By the time we are early school age there is not a substantial amount of hard-wiring left to do. We are still open to any amount of new input but we have come to trust and rely on our own small social group of family & friends to such an extent that acceptance of alternative views & behaviours will be hard to accept. We may derive much benefit from a good teacher at this stage, while we still accept adults as oracles.

My assertion then is that personality is duly formed by this point. The programming (brainwashing) base is in place and we will simply build on this foundation for the rest of our lives, barring a particular emotional shock or concerted effort to change.

Have we ever been in control of our own lives or were our paths mapped out, with the occasional diversion along the way, for us before we knew any better?

I could go on to recant personal experience that I believe may have shaped me here but I think that's enough digression for now and some of those events will have been covered in previous posts. My next entry will be a simple view of the world in terms of my likes and dislikes, which this was intended to be before the mind wandered.

Thank you for getting this far. As always, I would welcome any feedback you might be willing to provide but as previously mentioned I believe these posts are only being scraped by robots, not humans.

Friday 12th January 2018 - Garden Musings

The feeders by and on the crab-apple in the back garden are well attended these days. Birds were rarely seen in our first years here but it's been 13 now so I guess familiarity and the maturing of the gardens hereabouts has facilitated this welcome development. That and the courage borne from tacit acceptance of the human interlopers in their environment.

Dianne provides them with a veritable feast of assorted nuts, seeds, fat balls & kitchen leftovers. Tits, Robins, Chaffinch, Sparrows, Wren, Magpie, Rook & the obligatory throngs of chattering Starlings are all regulars; Wagtails less so; Pigeons more so. A particularly plump pair, with the air of cargo planes, seem to have taken up permanent residence, appearing without fanfare at first light before fading away at dusk.They perch all day on a convenient branch to gorge, without having to move more than a neck muscle or beak, while looking upon the feverish activity of the tits with bemusement. Our bewilderment is in their ability to achieve flight.

These days the tree is festooned with and much of the garden embellished by assorted solar lighting which radiates all night during the summer to turn the back yard into a fairy grotto but flickers weakly into life for the briefest of moments during the English winter before fading into the blackness.

I worked somewhat yesterday in the daze that persists in the aftermath of a migraine and so the day wasn't completely wasted. The diary was left aside since no clear thought would enter my head -  it seemed the harder I tried to force an idea into the conscious the thicker the walls became, so I eventually had to accept my fate. Maybe this is what writer's block is. Must stop trying and just let it happen naturally. If inspiration visits there's always a device to capture it on before it escapes, or pen and paper on the desk.

For completeness..........

The first of the utility bills has arrived, so palpitations and dark thoughts - not today, though, as Dianne is excited to receive guests this afternoon and I've almost made it to another weekend, so Della may visit.

More regrets - I'll never draw anything worth hanging on a wall, take a great photograph, write anything readable, failed the family and myself etc. etc.

Wednesday 10th January 2018 - Music & Lyrics

I was very dissatisfied with my most recent entry. It was incoherent and lacked flow despite constant review and editing and I apologise to anyone who had the misfortune to stumble across it. Psychology obviously not a strong suit.

These heavy, damp, lightless days characteristic of low pressure systems in the UK winter play havoc with my concentration levels even when they aren't inducing full-blown migraines, as is the case today. Excuses done.

Managed to work a little yesterday but otherwise uneventful. No visitors as usual, one nuisance call & the dog followed me around limply whenever I moved.

Watched a light movie last night (Music & Lyrics) in company and afterwards amused myself on Twitter writing #sixwordstories to Classic FM in the background - got a few likes so they couldn't have all been bad. I find it odd how the approval of strangers becomes important but it is. The 'sleeping' hours were even more restless than usual on account of the headache.

Thoughts remain very dark & a constant preoccupation. An opportunity was missed yesterday when I was alone for most of the day. I have a plan but it may take a few hours (I'm a coward & don't want pain or struggle at the end) to be effective & by the time the courage was raised it was too late.

Not convinced that anyone has read anything I've written on this blog as no reaction or interaction has been forthcoming - visitor numbers are slightly up but I'm starting to think this is robots sweeping the link I leave on Twitter daily. Nevertheless, it will serve as some sort of record I suppose.

Wednesday 10th January 2018 - Regrets? I've had a few

I find it absurd and rather egotistical when people say they have no regrets in life.

It implies a lifetime of precise decision making and never a misplaced spoken or written word. A perfect life without a slip in word or deed. Balderdash!

No word or deed is ever unconsidered, if only for a moment, before being given life in the world & every action has implications. Cause & effect.

One need not dwell on past indiscretions or self-flagellate over missed opportunity, I suppose (though I admit I can't help myself). Particularly when an otherwise useful, productive and fulfilling existence has been had but surely only the psychopathic or sociopathic amongst us can be reminded of past events without feeling something; happiness, sadness, pride, remorse - the yin and yang experiences which serve to shape us. It is the weight that we choose to give each side that determines our own satisfaction and that is down to personality, which is largely formed in our early years and beyond our control.

My regrets are many. Chief amongst them, the soul-destroying years of unfulfilling office work, I always considered a necessary & selfless duty in order to put food on the table and a roof over the heads of a young family. On reflection, I should have done more to change the course of my life. It would not have been selfish to take the risk and explore other avenues more fully. Indeed, the angst and depression I felt must surely have affected my nearest and dearest to the point that any economic benefit from my persistence may have been offset entirely. Ergo, the consequences of inaction may be as detrimental as misplaced action.

I can have no regret about marriage and raising children. It's easy to rationalise that the whole point of anyone's existence is to ensure the survival of the species. Whether or not my own contributions to the human gene pool have been worthwhile, we may never know but to the extent that I have fulfilled my singular purpose for being I should be satisfied.

The question is, what is left to do now. Kids are fledged, I'm 53, broke & have almost no income. That roof I suffered selflessly for will surely be gone before long. Had I followed my artistic instincts and pursued photography and writing more vigorously, I might now be reaping the psychological & financial rewards. Both, I can confidently say, would at least have been much improved. Could I have played the game at interview & won that scholarship -Yes. Ought I to have taken that opportunity to study for a degree 15 years ago - Yes. Certainly, I have regrets and so should everyone else. Ultimately, it is to the degree that these affect others or they gnaw at your own psyche that really matters.

Comments and contributions are gratefully received, both positive and negative. Please leave something if you have the time. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday 9th January 2018 - Trains Of Thought & Reading Lists

Continue to thoroughly enjoy the Woolf diaries.

Whilst necessarily dealing with the mundane chores & typical events of daily life  there are numerous insightful physical and emotional characterisations & anecdotes that bring life to some of the great writers and thinkers of the day; Aldous Huxley, Maynard Keynes, Lytton Strachey to name but 3.

And all set against the Great War backdrop. Mention of the dead & wounded (and their aftercare or not), food & coal shortages, nightly bombing raids on the capital, conscription, pro & anti-war rhetoric. Most days bring reference to the weather - some of the worst for years by all accounts which sparks images of and provides explanation for the horrendous mud in the killing fields a few miles East.

On the political front there is suffrage, the early throes of the Labour party & open debate of socialist principles.

In the round all of these observations accidentally combine to give the reader a great feel for an interesting period of history, when the war to end all wars merely led to a change in tactics, emancipation began but remains unfinished, domestic service to the upper middle classes was waning as better wages & conditions could be found elsewhere and free-thinkers found audiences.

The honest & unedited end of day ramblings, written in a staccato style give the impression of a sense of urgency on the author's part to lay down thoughts whilst they are fresh or are remembered. Indeed, at some point she makes reference herself to this matter & the frustration she feels when guests stay late & trains of thought evaporate. We all suffer this fate and indeed I was just settling off to sleep myself last night when I was compelled to rise & get these musings down. As usual, the intent was to jot down some bullets & return to flesh things out in the morning but I ended up typing by the light of the laptop through the early hours.

A tremendous command of the english language & the now slightly antique sentence structure in Woolf's writing appeal greatly. I say 'antique' because my guess is that even today's 'serious' authors write prose in a more current lilt. Guessing is necessary because, as I remarked in a previous entry, my voracious reading days were in my youth.

Now, if one were to ask 10 different readers for a list of 10 must-read books I daresay there would be few duplicates in those 100 tomes presented for consideration. I would expect a spattering of Shakespeare, Greek Classics, perhaps some 19th century poetry anthologies, Brontes, Austen, Huxley, Orwell, a bit of French, Russian & North American, maybe a Booker winner or two. I will dust the cobwebs of my mind & try to come up with my own list presently.

Then, where should one begin?

Be very happy to hear from anyone with a list or comment.

Monday 8th January 2018 - Great War & Despair

I continue to read the Woolf diaries for relief and stimulation.

We have moved on to January 2018 now & the war has become much more of a preoccupation. Resources of all sorts are scarce, much is rationed & inflation is obviously rife.

I suspect that propaganda induced 'madness of crowds' euphoria has a natural shelf-life no matter how great the machinations of government & interested parties. The reality of casualties, hardship & bombings can only be withstood or glossed over for a definite period & the population becomes increasingly war-weary. I'm no historian and very aware of the horrendous troop attrition but my instinct is that it is this physical & mental debilitation of the populous on all sides, as much as who is 'winning' , that eventually prompts the pursuit of some kind of peace accord in most conflicts. There are those far more knowledgeable than I who will no doubt be able to put me straight on this matter.

Wife is using a  cheap return train ticket provided by a friend and is travelling to London for the day, so all is quiet. This ought to have been conducive to work but it's so damned cold in the house I'm sticking to the lounge. Brought a couple of boxes of what I thought would be good, saleable stock downstairs but was disappointed on opening them - would be a lot of effort for very little reward so here I am again. Would anyone hire a bright but flawed 53 year old with a patchy employment record to do something useful & constructive? Despair again.

I've noticed that nobody is alighting on my ramblings as the constant refresh of the stats page shows. Research suggests that WordPress is the best place for bloggers to inhabit but unfortunately I'm unable to pay even the modest fees on there. Maybe, I need to sex-up the content a bit. I'll try adding some sexy labels - 'XXX', 'Hardcore' and the like. Pretty sure any visits would be brief but it would be some respite from the loneliness. Let's give it a try!

Life & Biography Writing for Friends, Family History & As A Personal Historian

Some time ago, when I was devoting much time to researching my family tree, I produced some documents that I intended to use for information gathering purposes.

These were initially intended to serve as skeleton questionnaires for the interviewing of older family members and would inform both about the individual & hopefully prompt recollections of other, perhaps largely forgotten about ancestors. As is the norm, this initial idea quickly expanded and I thought about developing them further so that I might become a Personal Historian and produce biographies for others to leave for their own families.

With the development of Information Technology, the production and publication of professionally printed & bound biographies for the 'unfamous' is now available to many at reasonable cost.

Whilst I didn't take the project all the way to fruition at the time, save for one family member, a lot of hard work & a little plagiarism went in to the production of some pretty solid questionnaires amounting to in excess of 400 questions. Many of these serve well as prompts for supplementary questions that enable a deeper insight into a life story.

Have you started or thought about putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard & immediately got stuck? We all have those moments when a long forgotten memory suddenly springs into our consciousness & lives again. This will often happen during a conversation but is frequently triggered by sensory stimuli. To aid recall, consider trying to aid the recall process sights, sounds & smells fom your past.

Sights might include that box of old photographs in the attic, some cine film (which is easily converted to digital these days), an old movie you watched or a visit to a gallery etc.

Sounds could be a favourite piece of music from your youth, the clackety-clack of a railroad, a ship's horn in the harbour or something from the natural world.

Smells that are useful include those of food cooking. Consider preparing something that grandma used to make you. Or, maybe it's flowers or pine-cones or a camomile lawn or the fish market or an open fire.

If there are any readers who would like assistance with writing, proof reading and/or publishing their own life stories, please use the contact form to the right of this page & I will be happy to help.

Alternatively, I can email you copies of the structured questionnaire & some more handy hints and advice. If they are of use and any value to you and you are financially able a click on the donate button to the right would be greatly appreciated. I would wish you well anyway with your endeavours.

Sunday 7th Jan 2018 - Love Actually Comment & Response

Further to my post of December 30th, I received the following comment from a reader:
"I read your post of 30 December with great interest as my view of the various story lines is much the same as yours except that, for me, the most powerful piece was Emma Thompson’s masterful conveyance of shock and sadness on opening Alan Rickman’s Christmas gift. The scene when she is in her bedroom trying to “get it together” is so touching - that moment when she leans on the bed, such an apparently simple gesture but sublime. It gets me every time."


My response:


You've put me to shame with your masterful conveyance of the Thompson scene. Her performance was indeed effective and believable. Her character's very British, stiff upper lipped, self-sacrificial, typically middle-class reaction to adversity was poignant and sad & warranted more attention than I chose to give it. What I didn't want to do was write a movie review. My aim was to try to convey that pure emotion on the dance-floor - the one scene in the film that really moved me. In the end, all I could manage was a rather ham-fisted attempt in one short paragraph at the end. In retrospect, both relationships needed to be fleshed out.


Please feel free to respond to any post you find on here & I will endeavour to reply in a timely manner. Thankyou K. for your comment.

Sunday 7th January 2018 continued.... A Good Brain

I think I may, from time-to-time, add to daily entries when I have something to say and miss other days completely and here is the first add...

The Nook got me sidetracked from work this morning as I dipped once more into V.W.s diary.

The entry on 16th October 1917 contains a wickedly clever description of Alix, her guest that day & their topic of conversation. This gave me cause to chuckle aloud, the irony of which is not lost on me, given my general state of mind.

The summation is that "She has a good brain, but not enough vitality to keep it working." A back-handed compliment that nevertheless gives the impression that she was fond of the recipient of such faint praise. If I were to travel back 100 years and we were to meet, I should be grateful to receive an  honest biographical note to similar effect. Certainly, it would cause no offence but then I am firmly in the camp that believes the right to offend or be offended confers no special privilege on the giver or receiver.

Sunday 7th January 2018 - Reading & Desperation

Yesterday, I decided to fire up the Nook while I worked. It had been left forlorn & unloved on the bookshelf for the past couple of years. Found a charger & plugged it into the USB drive on the PC - for a while it appeared to have died but I was pleased when it came back to life.

I immediately found the Virginia Woolf diaries I had been reading & determined to carry on reading them from whence I left off, though I obviously couldn't recall much of what had been written up to that point. What I find remarkable is how normal life seemed back home during the Great War. Cinemas & concert halls remained open, book reviews were written & people concerned themselves with the day-to-day business of living. The war didn't appear to be a daily preoccupation in the minds of everyday folk - at least not to V.W. & her nearest & dearest.

I've been dipping in and out of the 'book' overnight & into this morning. It has become obvious that I have missed reading - TV, for the most part, dulls the senses & inspires no thought in the viewer. Aside from the odd well-made movie or documentary as was the case with Love Actually. Last night's view was The Lives of Cats & Dogs - not much to say about it, really. Quite well done rom-com pulp if you've nothing better to do one evening.

Insomnia & the constant stress of my financial predicament lead me still to the almost inevitable & imminent conclusion of my life. There appears to be no way out. I still work feverishly on my Ebay shop; at least to the extent that my utter exhaustion allows. However, £2 postcard sales are not going to pay the mortgage & all the bills will arrive in the next few weeks. Dreading the daily rattle of the post flap. I shall continue to work, though it seems a rather futile & academic pursuit now. Strange & rather tragic that the last of my days should be spent like this but bucket list pursuits are impossible, so what else is there to do.